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My Needs are Simple and Few!
By
M J Plaster
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My dear owner,
Thank you once again for giving me shelter. (Lick, slurp,
lick, slurp) Aside from food, shelter and love, my needs
are simple and few! Since I am dependent upon you to
provide for me, we should discuss my basic needs. I can
lend you the canine insight that you may lack as a human,
particularly if I am your first canine companion pet.
Of course, I require a steady supply of food and fresh
water, and while I long for the same quality of culinary
delight that you routinely enjoy, I know that's an
unrealistic expectation. As long as you feed me something
that's nutritionally suited for my species, I'll happily
devour whatever little morsels of people food you throw my
way. I'm not particularly fond of that stuff that comes
from the tap, but it'll do in a pinch. I draw the line at
drinking from toilets.
Splish splash
In addition to my regular veterinary care, I'll need a
flea and tick collar at a bare minimum. How would you like
those critters crawling all over you? Please help me to
prevent them from crawling on me.
If you want to show me off for company, how about you pick
up some grooming aids so I can look my sexy best? I SO
look forward to weekly shampoos. Who needs rubber duckies
when you get to splash at humans at bath time? I
understand that humans multitask, and I love those
massages with the grooming gloves, so we could watch TV
together while you give my coat a nightly massage. I
cannot vacuum after myself (but maybe you could suggest
that as an advanced course at obedience school), so you
might want to pick up some of those hair pickup tools for
yourself.
A bowl of my very own
I could use a doggie bowl or two, something simple, yet
elegant, perhaps something with my name on it. It's not
that I mind sharing your everyday bowls, but it would be
nice to have something that's all mine when it comes to
feeding and watering troughs. I'll need one for food and
one for water, and an everyday pattern will suffice—no
need for an expensive china pattern.
Collars and other jewelry
I look forward to our walks together, but it's just too
tempting for me to stray when you walk me without a leash.
I think the government suits must be on to us doggies,
since they've enacted those pesky leash laws everywhere.
So, if you want to continue spending this quality time
with me, you'll need to find a leash that fits me
properly, is strong enough to hold me, and is the proper
length. If it's too long, I'll trip all over myself, but
if it's not long enough, I won't have the room I need to
roam. I know that there is a dizzying array of leashes
available, but please use a little discretion and choose
one with the right "look" for my breed so that
all the other doggies don't make fun of me. They can be so
darn cruel!
Creature comforts
I was told that most humans have jobs, so I understand
that you'll be spending time away from me. If you could
see your way clear to leaving a few creature comforts
behind, it would really help. First, I don't want to hog
your people furniture—it's too big for me anyway. I
could use one of those nice, comfy doggie beds. Floors are
meant to be walked on, not lounged upon. I know that there
are a number of places that I should not go when you're
gone, so spray that indoor repellent, and I'll learn the
first time. I'm a quick study—something about Pavlov!
Dogs in toyland
Toys will help me pass the time, assist me in my
development, and most importantly, distract me from the
fact that you're not here. I could have some REAL fun if
you'd get me my very own cat, but I realize that is not
likely. Here is a list of things that I would really,
really enjoy if you cannot get me my own cat:
A nice supply of those rubber, chewy thingies
Squishy, squeaky, talking toys
Rawhide chews, dental chews, anything that I will
mistake for a bone
Treats, treats, and more treats – a
never-ending supply of treats
Special occasion gifts
You humans have your porches, your patios and your tree
houses. I would give my doggie eye teeth for my very own
dog house. You could have Santa deliver it in time for the
holidays, or you save it for a birthday treat. Either way,
it'll give me my own little hideaway and protect me from
the elements, should you take temporary leave of your
human senses and leave me outside while you run one of
your many errands. If you can't swing the canine estate
just yet, maybe we could negotiate a doggie door?
Above all, I require the same devotion and attention that
you expect from me. Treat me right, and I'll be your best
friend for life.
Love and kisses,
Your beloved doggie
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