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Best friends! It may seem
impossible to believe, but today's teens do want to
consider their parents as friends, even though they think
we could never understand the realities of their world.
They are also interested in what it was like being a
teenager during the Stone Age. Life without cell phones or
the Internet must have been unimaginable!
So even with this interest,
can parents and teens really become best friends when
competing with busy schedules, and raging hormones? The
answer is a resounding YES…and it is worth the effort!
What is important to
understand is that both of you have to want the new
relationship on a long-term basis. You cannot appear to be
going through the motions, or acting like you are fitting
this new relationship into your busy schedules.
As a father, I knew I was a
good provider. I put food on the table, a roof over my
teen's head, and helped fund those great sales that saved
me so much money.
As important as the father
role is, it was improving the "Dad" role that
allowed me to develop a lasting relationship with my
daughter. This also helped me with my two stepsons.
Essentially, I modified the communication and
problem-solving skills that I successfully used at work to
improve my relationship with my teens.
The following are the ten
ways that will help you to become one of your teenager's
best friends:
1. Define what trust meant
to each of you. Agree that there will be no games or
hidden agendas-just honesty-to build the trust.
2. Agree that mutual trust
is earned by exhibiting consistent behavior. The amount of
trust that you develop will be proportionate to the amount
of freedom that they will enjoy.
3. Anything that is
discussed with you must be kept in the strictest of
confidence. This will help reinforce the trust.
4. Talk to them as adults
while remembering that they are still kids. This allows
for flexibility during those trying adolescent years.
5. Become an attentive
listener. Multitasking may be necessary at work, however
it will make you appear distracted when discussing
something important with your teenager. Learn to focus.
6. Ask the right questions
without appearing to interrogate them. It is important
that they not fear coming to you to discuss what is
important to them. It is equally important that they feel
that you will take the time to understand what they are
trying to communicate.
7. Do not judge them for
their actions or ever say, "I told you so! This helps
in having them continue to come to you to discuss topics,
and encourages them to do things better the next time.
8. When helping them with
problem solving, discuss the desired outcomes first, and
what they need to do to resolve their problem. Then allow
them to proactively make their own decisions based upon
the facts rather than reacting to their emotions.
9. Set guidelines instead
of making rules for them to follow. They should have input
into the guidelines, and then be expected to follow them.
They will perceive this as fair and in their best
interests.
10. "Hang out"
together as oppose to just spending time together.
Remember that there is a difference between motion and
productivity, so make your time together interactive. For
example, if you go to a movie, then go for an ice cream
and discuss the movie. Or play some "one on one"
games or sports. Do what best friends do!
If you want to be a better
parent, don't forget the child within you. All too often,
we get so wrapped up in being an adult that we forget how
to have fun and enjoy life. I found that by using my
imagination, I rekindled my creativity, and this made me
an "okay guy" for my teenagers to hang out with.
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About
The Author
V.
Michael Santoro, M. Ed. coauthored,
"Realizing the Power of Love,"
with his teenage daughter Jennifer S.
Santoro. For more information, a free
e-zine and more free articles, visit their
Web site at http://www.dads-daughters.com |
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