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How can two or three children
in the same family be so different? They are brought up in
the same broad social environment, under a similar set of
rules and an identical family value system. They also come
from the same genetic pool yet they can be so different in
personality, interests and achievement. While they may be
born into the same family they are not born into the same
position. The effects of their birth position have a
significant impact on children, their behavior and their
personalities. In order to really understand children it
is useful to look at how their position in the family
impacts on their development.
If we look at the big three
in birth order - first, middle and youngest - we will
notice that children born in each position share a similar
set of characteristics. Note that birth order presents
possibilities only for parents. Also only children share
similar birth order characteristics to first borns - they
are super first borns.
First borns are often more
motivated to achieve than later borns. A greater
percentage of first borns end up in the professions such
as medicine and law. They go for jobs where determination,
strong powers of concentration and discipline are valued.
First borns are born into a pressured yet treasured
position. They are usually the objects of great delight in
a family - they are the first. Parents and grandparents
often overdo everything with first borns. There is an air
of expectancy even before their birth. Names are chosen
half way through the pregnancy and photo albums are filled
as baby's every special moment is captured on film. They
are the centre of attention, which is an obvious plus if
you are a first-born child.
The flipside to this
adulation is that first borns are coached, prodded and
pushed to perform. The expectations are high for first
borns, particularly first-born boys, so pressure is
something they know all about. It is no coincidence that
anecdotal evidence suggest that first born males tend to
be lower risk-takers as learners than girls or those in
other birth positions. First-born boys fear failure so
they often steer away from areas where they can't excel.
Interestingly, some first borns confuse excellence with
perfectionism and won't try unless they can do the perfect
job. These kids drive their parents and teachers nuts as
they just won't move out of their comfort zones to take a
few risks and even (shock, horror) mess up. This is
first-born thing.
First borns are
trailblazers for parents and for the children to follow.
Parents are usually hardest on their first borns in terms
of discipline and they loosen up as they move further down
the family. First borns usually don't react well to the
arrival of the second born. To parents the arrival of
another child means a playmate for their eldest. To the
first born the arrival of another child means only one
thing - DETHRONEMENT. You can read the headlines: 'The
emperor loses his crown.' Well not quite. The first-born
child does everything in his of her power to retain the
favoured first position. He will point out the failings of
the second born to his parents. In all likelihood as he
grows up the first born may well be less than pleasant to
this intruder - particularly if they are both boys.
According to Kevin Leman
author of The New Birth Order Book there are two types of
first borns. The first are the compliant nurturers and
caregivers. These children love to please and also love to
do well in school as they have a high need for mum or dad's approval. They also like to look after and care for
other children. These compliant nurturers are more likely
to be girls. Parents often rely heavily on their first
borns and let them take much of the responsibility around
the home.
The second types of first
borns are the aggressive movers and shakers. These
children are assertive, achievement-oriented and
strong-willed. They are often boys who have the drive but
not the skills to be effective leaders. Their
bull-in-a-China-shop approach doesn't always endear them
to others.
The middle (and in all
likelihood the second) child is influenced by his elder
sibling. The one rule of thumb about birth order is that
children are directly influenced by the sibling above and
will differ from that sibling. Frank Sulloway, the author
of Born To Rebel, puts it succinctly, when he says that
the first rule of the sibling road is that first and
second borns will be different in personality, interests
and achievement. Generally, the middle or second will be
what the first-born isn't. If the first born is
responsible the next in line may well be a pest. If the
first born is serious, as they often are, the second borns
may well be easy-going and gregarious.
Middle born children are
victims of bad timing. Born too late to get the perks and
privileges of being born first but too early to get the
easy ride that youngest receive, middles often feel
squeezed between these two siblings and wonder, 'Why me?'
or 'Its not fair!' The positive side to middle borns is
that as they are squeezed between two siblings they are
good negotiators and generally develop an adept set of
people skills. They are often more flexible as their lives
tend to fit in more with the first born. Also they tend to
spend more time with children away from their family to
avoid the frustration of being an outsider in the family.
Middle children subsequently can end up with more friends
than their elder sibling.
Middle born children,
particularly if they are surrounded by other boys often
become the free spirit or the child most likely to upset
(annoy, hassle) his siblings. If you have three children
sitting quietly watching television and you suddenly hear
a yelp coming from the television room you can bet that
the middle child has disturbed the peace in some way.
Perhaps he has thumped the youngest or flicked the eldest
with a ruler or some foreign object. Middles can be like
that! They like to get even!
Parents need to be aware of
the need to make middle children feel SPECIAL. Take photos
of just them, and not the whole pack. Make sure you spend
time with just them. Help them find their special talent
that they don't share with their siblings (that should be
easy as they often stand apart).
Youngest children in the
family are typically charmers and manipulators. They love
to get their own way - and they invariably do. They are in
the fortunate position of having a sibling break their
parents in for them and they don't have the pressures of
the first born. Their birth is not the big event as was
the first born's arrival. Parents are still thinking of a
name when they are putting the birth notice for the
youngest in the paper. 'Ah what will we call him? Jarrod
will do. Yeah, that sounds fine.'
Youngest are often babied,
spoiled, affectionate, outgoing and uncomplicated. The
pressure is off the last borns in terms of having to meet
their parents' high expectations so they are more likely
to achieve in their own ways. Creative, artistic pursuits
are full of later or last borns, whereas firstborns are
more likely to end up in positions of leadership. One of
the traits many last borns share is persistence. They
learn when they are young that if they persist with what
they want they will outlast their siblings and wear their
parents down eventually. Persistence is a characteristic
that pays off for this group.
Last borns tend to be more
impetuous - they act now and worry about the repercussions
later. The positive is that they are more likely to
stretch themselves and try new experiences than their
siblings. The negative aspect for boys is that their
tendency to jump first and think later on can be downright
dangerous. Youngest born girls can often be babied and
have their parents jumping through hoops to satisfy them.
Last borns can appear a
little self-centred, which is probably due to the fact
that they tend to do less at home to help others. There
are bigger, more capable siblings at home to take all the
responsibilities so youngest children can easily grow up
with an 'I'm here to be served' attitude. It is important
to give youngest borns plenty of opportunities to help
around the home.
The position a child in his
family holds is a predictor only of personality, but a
powerful predictor nonetheless. It is definitely a factor
that parents need to consider as we look for ways to raise
happy, well-adjusted and confident children.
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About
The Author
Michael
Grose is an authority on birth order and
affects on children's personalities,
interests and achievements. Read more
about how birth order affects personality
and behaviour in his brand new book Why
first borns rule the world and last borns
want to change it. You can purchase it for
only $27.50 at www.Parentingideas.com.au |
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