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Michael was raised in a home
where anger was used to control. His parents used their
anger to attempt to control each other as well as their
children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and
Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt.
Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly
become enraged, so the threat was always there.
Michael was the oldest of
four children and was often put in charge of taking care
of his siblings. He often took out on his siblings his
fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While some
part of Michael didn’t want to be like his parents, this
was all he knew.
As an adult, Michael
struggles with his frequent anger at his wife and
children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t
get some help, which is what led him to consult with me.
“Michael, anger is often
used to cover up another, more painful feeling. What do
you think you are covering up with your anger?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I just
get so frustrated and then out comes the anger.”
“What did you feel as a
child, besides scared, when your parents were angry and
violent with you?”
“I guess I felt pretty
much alone.”
“You must have felt very
alone and uncared for and also helpless over what was
happening.”
“Yes, I felt so helpless!
I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It was so scary. I
couldn’t wait to get bigger so I wouldn’t feel so
helpless.”
“What triggers that
helpless feeling now?”
“Humm…I guess it’s
when my wife and kids don’t do what I want them to do or
what I think they should do.”
“So rather than feel and
accept your helplessness over them, which is the reality
but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid feeling that
old helplessness by trying to control them with your
anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?”
“I guess so. I guess I
try to control them rather than feel helpless. But why
should I feel helpless? It’s an awful feeling.
“Michael, when you were a
child, you were helpless over your parents brutality, and
you were also helpless over yourself in many ways. You
couldn’t just leave and go live with someone else. You
couldn’t walk away without further punishment. However,
today, while you are still helpless over others, you are
not helpless over yourself. You can walk away from a
situation that doesn’t feel good, or you can speak up
for yourself. You can also explore difficulties with your
family. You didn’t have any of these options as a child.
But unless you accept your helplessness over others, you
will try to control them, and anger is the way you’ve
learned to do it. Anger is your automatic controlling,
addictive response to protect against feeling that old
helplessness. You will continue to be angry until you
accept your helplessness over others - over what they
choose to do and who they choose to be.”
Helplessness over others is
a very hard feeling to accept. For many people, it feels
like a life or death feeling, because as infants we were
completely helpless and if no one came we would die. Some
of us cried and cried and no one came and we felt helpless
over living or dying. While today helplessness over others
is not usually a life or death experience, the feeling can
trigger our infant terror. Most people will do anything to
avoid the feeling of helplessness, even though we are no
longer helpless over ourselves. Yet until we accept our
helplessness over others, we will try to control them, and
anger is a major way many people have learned to attempt
to control.
It took Michael time to
learn how to take care of himself - how to embrace and
accept his helpless feelings rather than ignore them or
cover them up with anger. As he learned to take loving
care of himself and his own feelings and needs, he became
more accepting of other’s feelings and needs. As a
result of accepting himself and others, and of learning to
feel and manage his painful feelings, his need to control
others gradually diminished.
In the course of working
with me, Michael learned to access a personal source of
spiritual guidance to help him not feel so alone and to
know how to take loving care of himself. Michael found
that when he was connected with his spiritual guidance, he
was much less likely to act out in anger. He found he
could manage his difficult feelings of aloneness and
helplessness far more easily when he felt the love and
support of Spirit.
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About
The Author
Margaret
Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including
"Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved
By You?" She is the co-creator of the
powerful Inner Bonding healing process.
Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web
site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.
Phone sessions available. |
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