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Getting Past The "Shoulds" To Write
By
Catherine Franz
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During the past few months, I
have received many questions as to how I have gone from an
unknown writer to overcoming society’s adversarial
thoughts on what writing should be and even become a well
known writer. So today, I was inspired to write on this.
Let me present a gist of my story. And like all stories,
there’s always more depth.
When it comes to being judged by society’s belief of
what good writing is, I thoroughly understand the
pressure--been through that. For years I was a closet
writer because the feedback I received from writing
instructors (from various levels) was, "your writing
is...is...is different and I'm not really qualified to
comment." I took this to mean, "I was a lousy
writer." So daily I quietly wrote, read them and
agreed, and tossed them into a growing set of boxes.
Years and 72 boxes later, my insides were screaming. The
screaming displayed itself in anger in everything I did
and with everyone I touched. After my father died, I was
fed up with life, society, and all the "shoulds"
in my life. I knew I was angry at something but had no
idea what it was at that time. With a full level of
frustration and disgust, I decided to give up everything,
take off a year, and travel to every writing conference,
study anywhere I could, with anyone I could, and
"really" learn to write. I had no idea what I
was looking for at that time. Now I realize that I was
looking for my personal voice and my writing voice.
After traveling, I returned home to Virginia not feeling
that much better about my writing than when I started. I
did notice that my skin was a little tougher but I was
still angry, still embarrassed about my call to write. And
as far as my skill level is, I didn't feel there was much
improvement. The feedback I was receiving was similar to
what I received before. One teacher at a workshop at Puget
Sound Writing Conference, Washington State, told me,
"If I kept working at it maybe (with a big voice
emphasis at maybe) some day in 10 years or so, I will be
good enough to release my writing."
Occasionally a light appeared in my tunnel. One time was
when I was attending the International Writer’s Guild
(IWG) yearly retreat in Syracuse, New York. There were
hundreds of women writers, all supportive, all different
in so many ways. The positive energy was empowering. I
took away from this that there wasn't any exact science to
writing. Learning to trust my own womanhood at 52 was a
completely new eye-opening experience for me. There was a
shift in my writing voice.
A few weeks after my year, I woke up crying. Not a gentle
sob but a wailing one. I was pissed. I was angry -- at the
world, at myself, at the lamp shade, it didn't matter. I
kicked shoes, took walks, and wrote pages in my journal
trying to understand what was happening. There was a rage,
an internal fight between their feedback and suggestions
and with my internal dialogue. Later I realized the writer
inside me was fighting to get out.
Afterwards, my pissed-off emotions led to, "screw
everyone." I apologize for the language ladies and
gents but I'm sharing my truth. I decided to just put it
out there and let it land where it may, grammar mistakes,
imperfections, whatever emerged. Let the commas be too
many or too few.
The first time I had to let go, it took me a week of
internal dialoguing and more edits than I'm willing to
admit to, in order to let go. (Actually my first
experience with over editing.) My emotions changed by the
hour. My family ran for the hills and didn't know what to
do with me. I didn't even know what to do with me.
The first time an English specialist sent me his
suggestion that I might want to improve on my grammar
first, mind you, they never were specific on where or even
what they were reading, I would cry again. This would
cause me to stop writing for the remainder of the day. The
next day, I was back to a "what the he__" again
(thank goodness).
Next, I wanted to tackle adding discipline to my writing.
Boy 'o boy, that was easy to say yet hard to implement. I
soon learned that I preferred cleaning the refrigerator,
even visit the dentist rather than sitting down at a
specific time to write. Since then and over time, I
learned how this same avoidance rippled its way into other
places in my life.
At no given time did I ever suffer from writer's block. I
always felt comfortable writing on almost anything (a
blessing and a curse). The curse being, I was spreading my
focus too thinly. Yet, I was happy and having a ball and
that’s why I kept on doing it that way. Looking back,
now I can see how badly I needed to release all my bottled
up emotions at that time.
Success at focusing in didn't come easy. But eventually
the excuses ran out and the emotions balanced. It started
to come naturally. When I learn to place my needs first,
which also meant writing, anger never emerged. In fact, I
was downright pleasant to be around the rest of the day.
My discipline started with one hour of writing every
morning and has evolved into a 5 to 8 morning experience
and an hour in the evening reviewing my day's notes.
The more I wrote, the more outlet opportunities knocked on
my door. I began three ezines, including a daily. Then I
began writing for other professionals and Internet and
Magazine articles.
When I began to allow my writings to go public, even one
email about my English skills set me to tears and I
couldn't write the rest of the day. Thank goodness it
didn't last and the next morning I was writing again. At
that moment, I realized the importance of a disciplined
writing time.
Eventually, I began to receive feedback on how people
loved what I wrote, liked my ideas, and bypassed the
occasional grammar error. My name even found its place in
a few local newspapers including the Washington Post. The
positive feedback was far bigger than the "you need
to do better" messages. They began with three pats to
one scolding. Then moved to six pats to one. Then 30 pats
to 1.
And the most amazing part -- I was happier than ever. You
could find me starting my weekend day writing at McDonalds
(the only place open at 6 am), by 10 at the bookstore, by
3 the library, by 6 returning home and satisfied. There
were bum times on park benches especially in the spring,
museums and shopping malls when the weather was nasty. At
my frequent stops, employees or regulars stopped and asked
what I was working on and they willingly share their
thoughts and ideas on the topic. Some agreed, some didn't,
but the magic was, my writing became richer because of
them, because of the environmental switches.
My writing kept improving and what I produced tripled.
Occasionally I would read something I previously wrote and
sat numb, not believing, "I wrote, that!" My
inner critic even stopped punching.
Now my pat-to-grammar-email ratio doesn't matter. I know
there’s more to learn yet I'm so glad my writing is out
in the public eye. I write every chance I can and make a
space for it in my life. Topics don't matter nor does
first quality matter. Just as long as it’s on a page
somewhere and safe.
A little while back, I began outlining (Mind Maps) before
writing. Previously outlining wasn't my thing. I've also
learned that if there I don't have a certain number of
points, I don't begin to write. Yet even if I don't have
enough to begin writing with, my mind is still tumbling
and building and something better always appears --
Something that couldn't appear without the tossing first.
Over the years, my penmanship has gone from good to worse.
What I have also realized is that my first draft is
sometimes just me jumping and trying to find my way around
on the topic. Almost like a maze. Afterwards, I highlight
the good and usually find there is more than one topic to
go with.
My advice to people who desire to write -- follow your
heart. Trust that it will lead you to the right path.
Trust today’s writing will always look different
tomorrow and your writing will always improve and evolve
the more you write. Not by any book you read, writing
conference you attend, the best lessons are learned... It
is by writing regularly.
One of my favorite quotes is, "Big things come from
the smallest actions." The light will come after you
have completed many small actions. The same as I did and
the many who preceded me, there is light available in the
tunnel and you will see changes within yourself that will
transfer onto the pages. Writing will always be an
evolving process, even after the Pulitzer.
Worry about the grammar until its time, not before. If you
learn one writing tip a week and work it into your writing
all week, it can't help but improve because that’s 52
improvements a year.
You don't need a lot, one word will do. For one year I
wrote 394 articles from one word -- honor. Every time I
completed one article the word was complete, another
appeared. If I had thought I could write this many
articles from one word before this experience, I would
laugh at you. Eventually I called a truce. It was amazing
to watch my bar as it kept getting higher. An experience
that fuels my beliefs today, Whenever I began to write
another "honor" story I was transitioned to age
seven watching my Dad pitch the ball against the steel
milk bottles, feeling like I just won the 1st prize teddy
bear. Yes, the biggest one on the top shelf, the one that
looks twice my size.
At times the thoughts were firing so rapidly it forced me
to stop what I was doing and write what I could. Many
times I had to pull off the road and get it down.
Even today there are times when my writing doesn't make
sense but I know now that I can't get to the next point
until I get rid of this stuff first. Like many writers, we
all have a few boxes or stacks of these.
For everyone who feels a pull to write but hasn't written,
let me quote Nike: "just do it." Let all the
inhibitions go, they are nonsense until after all the
editing. Let the commas fall where they may. Write without
any attachment to the outcome. That comes later.
It took time for my writing to turn into a hundred
thousand dollar business. Even a year ago, I wouldn't have
thought it possible and would have just laughed at the
thought. I am happier than ever. No crying, just writing.
No kicking the shoes. No more doubting of my possibilities
(okay, some but very small). Be free, write and let it
lead you wherever it needs to go.
Nothing you or I write will ever be lost. Fight for your
writer’s life, it’s worth the battle. Especially don't
let anyone "should" all over you.
(c) Copyright Catherine Franz. All rights reserved.
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